Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
zippers are such a cool invention
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
