So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
