Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
