Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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