you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
