i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
