Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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