You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
