all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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