It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
