remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
