just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
