All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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