My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
