Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
