oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I can text with my tongue
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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