I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
