The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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