Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
