I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
