Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.