He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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