So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
