Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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