I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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