obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
