Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
