News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
