i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
