my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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