There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
