I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
