There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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