Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
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gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
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First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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