if i can run in heels then i can drive
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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