I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
