Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My balls are so social today.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
