I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
