the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I am never drinking with the goths again.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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