I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
