Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
