in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
