you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
