I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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