i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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