i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
