I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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