Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
