If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
