Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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