So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
