Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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