I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
