i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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