So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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