So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
this hospital has no fireball
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
