i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
