I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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