just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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