I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
