New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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